He Loves You

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

“He loves you, He loves you, He loves you.”

My pastor has developed a habit (intentionally no doubt) of closing sermons with this repetitive chorus. I imagine he started saying it long before I truly noticed, but more recently, I feel the redeeming power of those words deep in my soul. It’s not that I didn’t know that truth before, both in my head and in my heart. It’s just that I hadn’t experienced it quite so emphatically.

Six months ago tonight, I came within arm’s reach of losing my life. Every single day, I think of the other person who did, unfortunately, lose her life in that dark, terrifying moment, and I pray for the two little lives that were also miraculously spared. I’ll always wonder why it had to happen the way it did, even while the next thought echoes in my head: why not? Each of us are constantly one decision, (good or bad), one turn (left or right), one second (faster or slower) away from finding ourselves in a similar situation. 

For now, the effects of that night are still outwardly obvious with the limp in each step I take. But long before the last six months, I’ve wrestled with those same questions- “why? why not?”– for a less visible reason. While the injuries sustained in the car accident are the most intense physical pain I’ve ever felt, it doesn’t compare with the emotional pain I’ve felt due to not being able to have children. Sunday was Mother’s Day though and I found, as I suspected I might, that it didn’t hurt quite like it used to. 

The last six months I’ve gained new perspective in a lot of areas, and this is one of them. For years, I’d wrestled with the idea that God withheld the blessing of children from us. I’ve often said that my faith made our infertility harder to understand rather than easier. I absolutely knew God loved me, so it was hard for me to understand why He wouldn’t give me this desire of my heart. As months turned into years that eventually neared a decade, it was easy to silently wonder whether He loved me at all, though that went against everything I believed. 

We’ve all questioned whether or not God hears our prayers. We’ve doubted His provision and tried to control our own fate. Each of us has wondered if this life has purpose and sometimes, in the darkest moments, if God sees us at all. Let me calm each fear for you: He hears your prayers. He will provide and He has everything under control. He has a clear purpose for your life, and His eyes are set on you always, most fixed in those moments you need Him most.

You don’t survive a situation like I found myself in six months ago tonight with any doubt in your mind that God has a plan. While my steps have been wobbly since that night, my faith has never wavered less. Whatever thorn Satan uses to cause you to doubt God’s love, recognize it for just that: a tool of the deceiver. 

Learn from my mistakes. It shouldn’t take an earsplitting, heart-wrenching crash for us to hear the quiet, affirming truth God whispers: He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.